I’d like to know.

Hello world, how are you?
Me, I’m good, thanks.

Also nowadays I feel like I overshare. I mean how much sharing is normal sharing?
And what is oversharing really? Who knows right?
This usually happens when I’m texting somebody. It can be anybody and I’d tell them everything.
Maybe i’m just lonely and need somebody who doesn’t know me at all to listen cause, I don’t know, maybe it helps, I’m not sure. But at least I feel like a load is off for the slightest moment.
Maybe I just really need a friend. Who knows.
In person, I’m more of a listener cause all my guards are up and I’m just going to listen to you talk but when I’m texting you cause I’m in my comfortable home clothes. My guards are down. And I’m just lonely. Maybe it’s the “I will get shit faced and tell all my problems to the bartender” thing but more internet kid version. I will just tell a stranger all about my life, not address or phone number or bank details but you know it’s kind of the same. Anyhow, my point is, maybe, I’m boring people with my stories but who knows cause I’ve never been told so. People love listening to my stories or that’s what I’ve been told. But then I’d expect them to tell me their story and nothing they don’t have anything so it is me who is being a over sharing person.

Is that good or bad?
Who knows?
Who cares?
Actually I do.
I’d really like to know.

-Pushya C

Give me advice

To everybody who just happened to stumble across this space of the internet when you really want to just see a cat video (somebody try and explain why CATS are taking over cause I am a victim), wanted a recipe or was just really bored. But you are here and so I am so let's have a conversation. A Dialogue. Not so much of Di but a Mono. So monologue.

Hi, your name, how are you? Oh good that's nice to know. You just graduated from college. Congratulations. I'm so happy for you. (Note: I'm not a college graduate. Sour subject. I've just decided I am done with education) How's your day been? Good? Yeah. Excellent. Oh me? Well I'm feeling like shit today. My day started with a text from this guy I've been seeing for a while at 2-ish. Don't worry, this is not another blog post about "my relationship". Well actually it could be. It's about my relationship with myself. Maybe. I haven't figured this post out yet, like me, so let's discover and explore it, Shall we?

2-ish AM, a text, I'm too sleepy to write back so I call him. We speak for a while, he goes to sleep in an hour, I couldn't go back to sleep. I had a good rest so I just watched YouTube (which I do all the time, check out my channel) and play PACMAN (which I do all the time as well). I'm in my safety zone of internet.

6-ish AM, I'm hungry. I go get myself some food. Going back to put my plate back cause I'm that kind of person, I notice a package for me. It's a book I had order "My Drunk Kitchen" by my favorite Hannah Hart, a YouTube famous personality and cooking show host on YouTube, "My Drunk Kitchen" and now the author of "My Drunk Kitchen". I'm all excited to open the package to have my personal copy of the book. But my mom sees the package with me and goes, let me see the package why did the package cost so much and just spreading all kind of negativity towards it, Okay you might think this book is expensive. I'm a fan I have no problem paying how much affordable from your (mom's) pocket (I'm unemployed). (felt like I was being bullied).

Back story, I had already told my mom how much it totaled to, she said I could get it I got four other books I told her the total cost I wouldn't have got it if she didn't let me. My problem with this situation is my friends why is she a) being rude b) ruining somebody's happy moment yes? Makes sense? Good.*

Now back to two days ago, when I told my mom my "decision" about pursuing my childhood dream of being an "engineer". My decision being that it's not my dream anymore. I want to pursue film, photography, art, YouTube and writing. And if none of that works I will pursue my education at my own expense. Obvious initial reaction, "Oh you are ruining your career", "Life is NOT just about happiness", "You had such high expectations for yourself, look at where you are now", "It's a BIG mistake", "If not engineering do another degree", "Three years is not a lot of time", "This might work in other countries but it is not for India" and YADA, YADA, YADA.

*c) You won't treat me good just because I am not doing what you think is right? 

Now let's analyze my situation before I told my mom, I was freaking out, panicking, all the anxiety in the world, just to hear the words, "DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY" cause let's face is it, at the end of the day, we all need our parents approval. I was scared. I'm 20years old (21 in 3 months) and I was scared to tell my mom what's in my heart.

And then I started thinking, we have never had a real time conversation about anything, anything that matters at least. We don't have this stream of communication open that is why it was so hard for me to tell my mom what I want to do. And that is sad. If any of you are parents and are wondering why your kid doesn't tell you stuff why don't you start the communication. We need it. But we will never reach out cause we are more scared of you than comfortable with you. Not cause we are doing anything wrong just cause being vulnerable to your parents is not easy. With siblings, it is natural to be vulnerable. So if anything talk to your kids tell them you love them, cause not every kid is grown enough to take control of the relationship. The last thing I want to do is make my parents look bad so this isn't about how my parents are. I just want to get the message across 'Communicate with your kids', 'Support them', 'Give them hugs', 'Don't judge them' and 'Tell them you love them'. If you are a kid I have nothing to say to you cause I am just a kid too. Also if you are a parent and have anything to tell me leave it in the comments or email me: pushyac5@gmail.com. I am all ears. Thank you.

HAVE A GREAT DAY FOLKS!!

-Pushya C

Confusion.

Hello, I know I haven't written here in a long time. I have been busy. Not too busy. I could have written if I wanted to but I did not. But then again I have been in weird corner of my mind. You know when you're 12years old and you think, a 20 year old is an adult, they have their life figured out, they know where to go, what to do. But that is not true. I am 20years old today and I will be 21 in five months. I won't have things figured out. I can't be so sure though. I might have figured out few things out. I feel like I am moving a in, there's a term in photography called motion blur, that is how I am feeling. motion blur is a picture taken when the object of the image is in motion and there is no clear focus on the object but just a a haze of light and color. I can't explain it better than that. How do you know what to do. WHAT TO DO.  I never do. And let me tell you something about me. I am not a person who is easily motivated. That sounds like a lazy person but it's how I feel. I mean I was fine literally 24hours ago. I am so confused. I feel like an anchor is pulling me down that will just drown me. I know. Everything will be fine. But you know I am not okay with things being fine. I want things to be good. I wake up everyday with a purpose to my life. A PURPOSE. A smaller or greater but a purpose. I don't even know if I am going to post this cause it's too personal. You might not feel the haze, the confusion in this post but I feel it in me. I have even considered doing nothing in my life. I'm going to stop. Keep your smiles. It is worth it in spite of the haze.

2014 Rewind | HAPPY NEW YEARS

I know I haven't posted here in a million years. Okay, not a million but, in two or three months. But this post will let you catch up with what I have been doing the entire year. Trust me, it's been a very interesting year. 

 

 

NEW YEARS EVE 2015:
2K14 was and ,till another hour, is amazing. It's been a crazy year. I graduated from my diploma. Got a much required year break cause I had no clue where I was heading. Attended a live gig at bar for the first time. Cut my hair shorter. It looks like my dads now. We literally have the same hair style. I love it. Spent my 20th birthday in Pondicherry with my sister. Celebrated it for 12 fricking days. Got an amazing opportunity to work for a movie. Learnt a lot. Learnt how to work under pressure. Learnt to love to work hard. Expanded my reading collection so much more. Been reading a lot this year. Over obsessed with cats now. Took a picture of a flower in Mysore zoo which now is tattooed on my sisters hand forever. It's my favorite picture ever. Had a 10days no talking fight with my sister. Yes that is a record. Got the sweetest present in the mail from a friend. Friendship grown over two years. Learnt a lot about people. All kinds of people. Been more active on my YouTube channel. Got a beautiful camera for vlogging. Learnt the value of money and time. Got a second hand car. My dad bought it for me and sister. Went on road trip for three days. Found peacocks on the road just casually on the side of a highway. Met sailors from USA & Indonesia. Got back this afternoon from the road trip. A lot of traveling this year. Exactly how I like it. I feel like a different person from January 2014. But also I'm still me. So much happened this year. But it still feels like 2014 passed by in a blink. It's been a positive year. It's been a great year. Have a great another year ahead. Loaded with opportunities and new things to try and do. Party hard. Don't drink and drive. I'm just going to snuggle up on my bed cause I'm tired as hell. I feel like somebody beat me up. Be nice to people. Keep your smile and head up. HAPPY 2015!!!!

 I DON'T INTEND THIS TO BE PREACHY. BUT STAY POSITIVE AND GO WITH YOUR GUT AND HEART. THINGS WILL BE PERFECT.
#2014rewind

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